Richard Nixon's Waifu
by PierceVilliers
Summary: Why are you reading this? Who told you to click the link and READ this fanfiction? Are you /trying/ to make yourself suffer? Well, go ahead. But don't cry to me after you've finished this. Just don't.


**_A/N:_ Read it and weep. I want everyone to suffer.This one just makes me wanna cry. Every sentence I wrote, a little bit of me died. Inspired by Legit_Hibiya on Twitter during a dmdare thing. Despair. I want everyone to remember this day in history. Remember the day someone bothered to write fanfiction for this. Flame me, murder me... oh god,, i cant believe it's 6 am and i have been up all nigh t... Good bye friends, I am gone.**

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Richard Nixon was a really wanty president. He had everything he wanted. Power, money, attention... but what he didn't have... was Kano Shuuya.

Kano Shuuya was a valiant boy. Or so he seemed like it in the anime. The sixteen year old male was all he could think about in his career as the president of the United States of America. He had rewatched every episode of Kagerou Project and was a very big fan of the Kagerou Days manga.

But then... work became stressful. Richard Nixon couldn't handle being president. People would know he was having an anime boyfriend love affair with Kano if he resumed ever being president of the United States. Resigning from office, he felt a relieving feeling within his rotting chest. He wanted nothing more than to be with his love, Kanu Shuuya.

Driving from the office and back to his home, he remembered all the little things about Kano. He remembered how much he appreciated Ayano, even though Richard Nixon despised Ayano for taking away his Kano. Putting on his red scarf, he called himself a hero.

"Nixon-san wa oniichan dakara minna no koto, yorushiku ne," he whispered to himself as he blushed so kawaii as he thought of Kano.

When Nixon reached his house, he thought about watching Kagerou Project again... but his wife came to the door instead.

"I SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!" She screamed at Nixon. Nixon did not want to hear this again. She was not his waifu anymore. It was Kano. He scowled, taking off his shoes like how he saw in the anime. He had been doing so ever since he was a fan of Kagepro.

"YOU'RE COPYING THAT ANIMU AGAIN! I SAW ALL THE MANGOES YOU HAD OF IT! THAT GIRL WITH THE RED SCARF! AYANI OR WHATEVER HER NAME IS! YOU ARE NOT JAPANESE AND YOU ARE AMERICAN! WHAT IF PEOPLE SAW THEIR OWN PRESIDENT AS A HIGHSCHOOL WEEABOO?! THEY WOULD BE VERY ANGRY WITH YOU!" Thelma shouted, picking at the red scarf on Nixon.

"It was cold outside." Nixon responded, retracting his pretty scarf away from her prickly hands. They were both getting older and love was no longer there. All he wanted was to be with Kano Shuuya. "I wanted to keep myself warm."

"DON'T YOU DARE, DICK! You're dressing that way because you have your eyes set on that pretty little Japanese girl, Ayano, don't you?! You're sick in the head!"

Before Nixon could use his comeback that he was gay for Kano, Thelma had already stomped away. She had her suitcases ready. Pulling them out their front door, Thelma glared at Nixon.

"I do not need you anymore! I knew you'd give it up! Give up our entire life for the sake of that animu!" She cried, running off without listening to a word Richard could possibly say. It was over. He didn't need her anymore.

It was finally... over.

Shutting the front door, Richard sighed once again. Now he could be alone... with his one and only Kano. Nixon closed his eyes, tears gently streaming from the corners of his eyes. He didn't want to sob, but he had just been through too much. He wanted to be with Kano and Kano only.

"-chan...!"

Richard swore he could hear a voice. It sounded oddly familiar.

"Nixon-chan...!"

Richard opened his eyes...

IT WAS KANO SHUUYA! HIS ONE AND ONLY LOVE!

He could feel his kokoro go doki doki as Kano embraced the Nixon.

"Kano-kun!" Nixon called out, reaching out to his rabu. Kano smiled as his yellow orbs widened with joy to see Nixon so happy.

"Nixon-chan, where are we going today?"

"Anywhere with you, Kano babes!"

Kano smiled warmly, his arms extending to Richard in an embrace.

"I missed you, Nixon-chan! I see you wore the red scarf today! That makes me sooooooo happy!"

"Only you for you, my sweet pea sugar plum Kano-chan less than three!"

And they both kissed passionately in each other's arms. But Kano felt water touching his face and he immediately pulled away from Richard. He saw within Nixon's eyes that he was sad.

"What's wrong, Nixon-chan baby? Are you crying?" Kano whispered, making sure no one else could hear them.

"My wife left me... because she thought I was after Ayano..."

Kano pouted, a little jealous that his wife could ever think that Richard Nixon was straight for that Ayano. He cupped his hands on Nixon's cheeks, giving him a small peck on his lips.

"It's okay now... because she would never understand us, Nixon-chan..."

He could feel himself becoming better already with his real waifu beside him. Kano pulled away once more, putting on a duck suit seductively for Nixon. Nixon loved ducks. But he also really loved Kano. THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER- only made his day worth it. Resigning, losing his wife... HE DIDNT CARE. Kano was in a duck suit. JUST FOR HIM!

They began to kiss once again. Nixon hard and Kano in a duck suit.

"If only you were Donald Duck, I would've pounced you bad!" Nixon whispered huskily to Kano.

Kano giggled, using his eye power to be Donald Duck. Richard Nixon was pitching a tent so bad, he did the feather bed jig with Kano in the duck suit. They hanky pankied, dipped their wicks, fiddled, played on all fours, churned butter, sank the sausage, rocked the trailer, did the hokey-pokey, the horizonal mambo, quimsticked, etc! THEY HAD SEX. Yeah. That was it. I don't even wanna go in detail but they did something okay and it is probably going to make your eyes hurt to see I even bothered to try.

Once they finished, the both laid down together. Topless, pantless, and Kano still half-way in the duck suit.

Richard Nixon was proud that everything led up to this.

His waifu...

He finally obtained...

His real waifu.

_Kano Shuuya._


End file.
